i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just blew my weed a kiss
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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