I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
