I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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