You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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