I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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