dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
