So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
