if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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