can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
