shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
