I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
