Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
