Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He felt like a one man threesome
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
