Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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