is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
