I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
