Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
