I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
