Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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