So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My penis needs a shock collar
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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