i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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