try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I fill condoms, not promises.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
