turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
