I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
