ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
