He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
