My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
