So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
