we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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