Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
