My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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