Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
