I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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