And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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