last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
