I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you win again, gameday.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
