Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
