Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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