ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
