if you like me you must not know who I am
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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