i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
