walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
