Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
