There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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