I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
