No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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