god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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