does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
