I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
