well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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